To be completely honest, I have had the hardest time starting this blog.  

My mind is consumed with thoughts of  "What do I write about first?  Where do I start?  Will people even read this?  What will people think?"  The point is, none of this matters.  I have been praying about it and feel that God has put it on my heart to just start writing and forget about making this thing "perfect."

Brief background:

I am a 30 year old spunky, goofy chick from Southern California.  I've been married for almost five years, to my amazing husband, Ryan.  We have a son, a 10 month old named Brody.  When I became pregnant with Brody, I was uber-focused on my career as a masters level, clinical social worker.  I loved doing therapy with children and wanted to get my state license before starting a family.  One momentary lapse in judgment and several months later, I am an unemployed, stay at home mom, pursuing a completely different path in life.

You would think that I would say that this is all because of Brody, but really, its God working on me through Brody.  I thought I had my life figured out; I would be a career-oriented working mom, focused on success, money and helping others.  I was pretty full of myself.  I was prideful, to the point of sometimes being rude.  I (almost literally) kicked and screamed when I didn't get my way.  I taught people how to cope with their emotions; talking the talk without walking the walk.  I am a completely different person than I was a year ago.  Its really a miracle.  A good portion of this blog will address how that happened.

A year ago, 36 weeks pregnant, I embarked on my maternity leave, which I assumed would be about 10 weeks long.  My son decided that he needed to be "evicted" and I was induced into labor which led to a long, complicated labor and a subsequent c-section.

Labor was very painful (of course) and I tried to push my son out for four hours following several interventions to get my cervix fully dilated.  My doctor came in after I pushed (for what felt like forever) with no progress, and told me I would need a c-section.  My epidural stopped working and I couldn't be given more medication because I was being prepped for a full spinal, and surgery.  During the hour or so that I was being prepped for an emergency c-section, I experienced the worst pain of my life.  I felt my body trying to push out this little human (who had a head too big for my body, which we would find out post c-section) while I was supposed to "hold him in," not push and just wait for surgery to get started.  Moms, I imagine some of you feel me on this and know what I'm talking about when I say that the pain was EXCRUTIATING.

I called out for Jesus and He heard me.

I repeatedly said "Jesus Christ, help me" in between gasps and screaming in pain.  Even though it felt like my pelvis was being ripped apart, I felt peace.  I felt like I was okay.  I felt a negative, egotistical part of myself leave my body.  I finally stopped trying to do everything myself, and let God come inside and take over.

Calling on Jesus gave me the gift of noticing God working in my life everyday, instead of just thinking that I live in my own strength.  I hope to convey through this blog the beauty of that moment and my subsequent transformation.